Porridge, Refocus, Restart again.

Today is a day is a day is a day. It’s like I’m going round in circles, large slow-fast misshapen squashed circles, and then when I realise and tell my brain that I’m going round in circles, I think, ‘right, go to bed, then get up, then start again’ expecting it to fix it – except each time I end up back on the squashed-circle track, like a strange train made-up that keeps coming back and getting stuck.. still moving but still stuck… stuck moving but still stuck… stuck still but still moving, still stuck…

Okay. Restart. Start somewhere. Focus. Start somewhere and focus… but on what? On which? All things seem important yet how to begin, how to return, how to – how to know how, how to – just, How… This time it’s not that I’m procrastinating the procrastination, it just sometimes appears that way – because a jumping jellybean brain can’t seem to be held for too long before the trampoline-catapult clicks like a camera: *screen changes, new brain zone* – CLICK – *screen changes* – where am I, where was I, where – CLICK – *new brain zone* – wait, is this today, haven’t I been here before? – *silence*…. oh okay then….. *carries on, the sense of unfamiliar-familiarity gets stronger* – I knew it – *past brain zone* – no no no this isn’t where we’re supposed to be, it’s not 2007 anymore, all change  -CLICK – CLICK – CLICK – Why must this screengame keep playing itself over and over in the background of my mind? Chasing brain-scenes, constant click after click after click, a square-rolling plastic toy clicky-camera dictating the internal patterns of the air, shaping the way any external information is received, altering the teeny-tiny scratchy-scrawly pathways, confusing the sense and satisfying the non, CLICK – CLICK – CLICK –

Maible grabs the clicky-thing and lobs it down a snowy hill. A soft smirk crawls upon her mouth-corners as she watches the rectangular click-creature slow-motion diagonal-tumble through the air, bouncing on icy grass-slopes, clicking and sparking away into the distance like a strange plasticky firework-hatchling rolling out into the world. RollerDino gasps and begins to tumble-spin after it, skidding on slippery-slidy snow-pebbles, wheels whirring – but soon turns back to join the others, slowly spinning snowcakes out of his wheels – he knows he’d never make it back up that hill for the night – tonight is not the night. They’re all huddled together in the mindcave today, gently supportive of each other – it’s as if they’re on the same team… yet it is somehow as if they’re mourning, grieving, slow and compassionate, subtle yet strong, quiet yet emotionally charged in their own individualities…

Today is a day is a day is a day… one day I’ll have A Day again – but if that’s not today, or the next today, then that’ll have to be okay – because I need to force myself to notice that I am trying really hard, despite the slow invisible achievements – because – when I stop for a even a millimetre, that ‘thing’ doesn’t stop climbing to reach me… if I climb with it then I’m okay, and we both can co-exist… but more on that another time, as I don’t want to fall down that abyss just yet, especially when the other abysses haven’t quite released me yet! For now: Porridge, Refocus, Restart again.

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