a thing from LAST APRIL

oh – STRANGE – I just found this draft-post from last year (April, I think). maybe i posted it already? maybe i should check? surely i’d remember…… nope, very-questionable memory at the moment – ok fine i’m checking…

it’s not there, as i only caught up up to March before my legs became dolphins in the bath, etc. why am i such a time-machine, always?!?!!! WELCOME TO THE TIME MACHINE!!!! April2020. but don’t actually go back there, because it’s probably not very nice for most people.

[ages-ago writing from last year begins here; CONTENT WARNING: The Worldly Thing.]
HellooooOoooOOOooooooooo I am here again.

I know, I know, I am a month or more behind on this type-things-on-the-internet game – but that’s nothing out of the norminary for me. but still – sorry. for DisorganisedMe. there was a lot, of spaghetti-tumbling reasons upon reasons, as usual.

A couple of months ago, I decided I wanted to write-research-write about isolation&autism… but now I suddenly don’t want to do that because TheWordlyTHING has changed the entire context of it all, and even the word seems to have different meaning now. It was because I was speculating on the ways I naturally isolate myself due to autistic functioning, and the personal need for that, but then the way I struggle with coming out of isolation when I need and crave non-isolation because of different areas of autisticness, which results in what then I associated with the then-true meaning of ISOLATION, as opposed to solitary-ness. When I typed to someone that I was feeling unwell and isolated, it meant an EntirelyDifferentThing back then, and it’s not really a coincidence because I’m used to premonition-like things.

After a few of weeks of being in bed due to various burnout/brain-switch related SuperGloom ill things going on, I was delighted to wake up one day in a different kind of brainspace (i.e. not in SuperGloom). Waking up out of SuperGloom is a relief, but it usually means there’s still a lot of things to fix. There I was, ready to embrace TheOutsideWorld again – and then I found out I was supposed to ‘begin’ embracing TheInsideWorld again. I’m lucky, that SuperGloom was so bleak that anything was easier. and most anxieties were not new anxieties, as it’s stuff I’d been panicking about for quite some time. I’d already been going through the whole ‘I caused the illness’ fake-guilt, before I even ‘knew’ [or before it was confirmed outside of my ‘is-it-anxiety-or-is-it-magic’ knowing] that it was something that was going to be swarming this country too. I was already immersed in many unknowns, which I was dealing with, in a PACK-UP-AND-RELOCATE scenario, so not being able to sort any of this out felt like packing for my death. Not in a morbid way, just in a evaporatey way – I didn’t know where I was going or what I was going to do so I was just like… *shrugs shoulders, waving hands in air*

Comparing me now to me a month ago, I’ve made massive progress, which means I’m mentally much better than I was. I’m lucky that I accidentally transitioned into the Thing, meaning it wasn’t such a shock. I’m used to my MyNormal levels of anxiety, confusion, what-is-going-on-ness, etc, so all of that is sort of reassuring in comparison to a month ago when I was immersed in Bleak. I’m also used to being in this room on my own for days, I’ve had plenty practice at that. It’s weird to observe my internal reactions when suddenly people become concerned when I’m mentally fine, compared to the abyss-ness of underwater-Bleak. It’s sort of… confusion, an inability to compute, and wondering if it’s some sort of trick. (though actually… that probably happens with many things!).

I cannot bear most of the social-internet these days. I still use it, because how else am I supposed to distract this me-filled brain – but constantly have to remove myself /distract myself from it, in the usual game-battles of ‘engage’, ‘no, disengage’, ‘try to engage’, ‘fail to engage’, ‘crave to engage’, ‘YOU ARE NOT DESIGNED TO ENGAGE, LEAVE IT ALONE’. I find it sickly and alienating. and it’s made me realise a personal lack of empathy that I did not recognise within me before. Over the last some-years, I’ve been through the whole over-empathy thing – stating that I am over-empathetic, over-sensitive, etc – but I found a flaw. There are so many experiences that I just do Not emotionally understand. and I find it very difficult to relate, or empathise with those things. A lot of those things are ‘norms’ for perhaps the majority of society – normotypical society. and whilst I can wonder and give allowances/thought for some of those things… I must internally admit that I can’t empathise with a lot of those things. so the whole lack of empathy lot of empathy thing… I’m reconsidering it. I am often emotiony-absorby. but those emotions don’t always relate to scenario-based empathising. That’s something I must do through conscious cognition, creating the matching scenarios, deciding on the best fit between my world and theirs, and feeling guessed manufactured (but real-feeling, and often intense,) empathy. but a part of me still concludes with ‘…yeah I have no idea.’

I think dissociation plays a big part in it. *dissociates and jumps topics in my brain 10 times… like space-hurdles.*

[by the way these are subconscious semi-conscious whatever-conscious unjumblings, this is writingtherapy writingrambling, grambling, scrambling, this isn’t ‘academically-formed’ theorising, i am not theorising here, this writing space is me being soup spilling over, live-writing is a part of my aliveness and i need to do that sometimes, even if it might be smarter to Think More About Thoughts And Formally Write Them ‘PROPERLY’ – I can (try to) do that too, but this is not that, so if i’ve accidentally written ‘incorrect’ thoughtlings about empathy through my wordspillings, then……. *shrugs* if you want to know-learn about empathising and autistic empathy look up things like ‘double empathy problem’ discussed by Dr. Damian Milton. however, here in this rambly-typingness i am just expressing a moment of being like ‘whoooooooshhhhhhhh i thought i was very empathetic extreme now i suddenly realise i am not always that and am sometimes VERY Not-that, BEURGHGHH WHAT DOES THIS MEAN IN RELATION TO MY EMPATHY-Y EXISTENCE’. continue.]

I don’t know what it’s like to miss the interactions people are missing right now, because I wasn’t having them before. but I miss going out to the gym, so I translate my missing the gym to other people missing hugging people. (There’s this punchbag at the gym, and one time I stood near it and it leaned on me – and I was SO comforted – it was like I finally felt like I understood what people liked/missed about comforting hugs – living/Being alone removes you from that understanding-sphere maybe, but leaning on the punchbag was like, OK YES I GET IT, I REMEMBER, THIS IS THE THING! kind of makes you miss humans if humans are gonna replicate that. That was a few months ago. I’m kind of sad for all the machines, but I feel like there’s some sort of ghost-party going on in there, it creeps me out when I think about it too much so I’ll stop).

I miss cooking, so that’s something I understand. but internet-everyone seems to be doing loads of that, more than before, so, that’s just another one of the alienating things. Do I miss cooking enough to just, cook? I thought with all this that maybe I did – I had a whole4-maybe-5 minutes of, ‘dyu know what, I should just make some pancakes and be done with this thing’ – but it turned out, Nope, fear’s still real.

why am i so behind.
oh gosh i now have a horrible thing where i am imagining me behind me and also am kind of like the me behind me that is watching me sat typing. and so i keep having to turn around to look at the me behind me to disappear the me behind me but every time i spin around they appear again and then i see me typing again. why must this be a thing.

okay that”s enough, i feel sick, finding this past-draft-post *** DRAFT-from-the-PAST *** made me feel a bit boaty, i”m going back to do the thing i was doing before!

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