Today was one of those days where you reach the end, get ready for bed (one of those anomaly days where you actually get ready for bed, instead of avoiding it completely), then realise you’ve been wearing your pants the wrong way round all day and are suddenly applauded by all of the crowds of SugarClowns that inhabit your mind. (‘whhheyyyyyyyyyyyy‘, they cheer gleefully, as if you’ve just dropped, and smashed, a glass in the school lunch hall. I begin to wonder if they knew all along, and just decided not to tell me for their own bored amusement). By ‘you’, I of course mean ‘me’, but it gets confusing as there seem to be so many ‘me’s that I forget which one I’m talking from, to and about at varying moments of the day. The bodymask is such a strange collective, the jellyghost is such an odd, over-complicated form of transport for these energy-bubbles that need to be transported throughout the multispheres.

I feel like I’ve entered a… like, if you got an inflatable oblong-shape, but it was a bit like when you blow a bubble out of bubblegum, except it would never pop, but that same stretchiness with all of the little wisp-lines – I feel like I’ve entered one of those and am just, unpeacefully chilling there for a bit. Kind of unsettled, but on the surface it’s like everything is still – morphymoving, but calm-ish – on the SURFACE. You don’t want to look at what’s on the outside of the bubble-world, even though if you tried hard enough you could notice the different hues of light trying to peer in through the stretchy bubble-wall, visible shadows in memory-colours. I wanted to make stuff, I wanted to make stuff do stuff be stuff – but I needed to help my mind and body first. and I am. but I’m just – I’m just HERE, in this space, and this THING in the back of my mind is telling me I’m not trying hard enough – when I know that I am just doing my best… and unfortunately, doing my best doesn’t mean BEING my best at any one individual thing. That is what frustrates me a lot recently. but there are so many spheres, so many marble-spheres, so many marbly marbly marble-spheres if I was my best at one of them I’d lose all of the rest… and I do lose most of the rest even by trying to do slightly well, even by trying to even attempt stuff regardless of actual progress…I WANT to push myself, and I do most days – whether that’s a day out in chaos-land or a day in bed dealing with brain-land. Just because a run wasn’t the same numbers as a previous run, it doesn’t necessarily mean it wasn’t an as-good run – sometimes it was better run – the numbers don’t always depict the full circumstance. It becomes a game of Keep Going (but then remembering to stop so that I can KeepGoing better next time). I will return.

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