the panic-boats arrive in my sleep

write, she said
because something happens and words appear
write, when you don’t know how to talk
when you don’t know what to talk
write, when you don’t know why
when it doesn’t matter

i have a new hobby-habit
of checking my pulse and worrying about it
the panic-boats arrive in my sleep,
and i wonder what would happen if they didn’t arrive
would i get swept up into the dreamspace?
why can’t i get swept up into the dreamspace

it scared me, not being able to breathe like that
because no-one was here and no-one was to know
and so i monitor the situation by tracking meaningless numbers.
i want more data
i want stop and ask everyone in the street
WHAT IS YOUR PULSE RIGHT NOW
make detailed comparisons and come to a pretend-solution
when all i really need to do is stop panicking
yes, just stop panicking
(do NOT recommend me a mindfulness app, i’ll kick it in the face)
if panic is supposed to be saving me, what’s it saving me from?

why the bright? i needed rain
i needed grey

what is your pulse right now?
I’m worrying about my pulse
of all the things that i worry about
or all the actual things that actual people worry about
Actual things worth worrying about, deserving of worrying about,
I AM WORRYING ABOUT MY PULSE

what is your pulse right now?
am i worrying about my pulse or am i worrying about my pulse compared to your pulse compared to their pulse compared to –

what is your pulse right now?

it’s important, i need to know
you don’t need to know, leave your wrist alone
i need to –
stop staring at everyone’s wrists it’s creepy

how often do you check your pulse and cry because you don’t understand this wave of feeling pathetically sick when there’s nothing actually wrong with you and have to lie like a sobbing jelly in a bed when you wanted to go and exercise to help you feel better?
and it’s a good job you can’t describe what it feels like because you’d only be looking to google to tell you it’s horrendous

i’m so tired but i fear sleeping because it’s so uncomfortable when the panic-boats wake me up

apparently a low pulse rate is meant to mean you are VERY FIT
hahahahahahah look how amused the SugarClowns are at that LOOK AT THEM
(i am NOT very fit)

but what i don’t understand, about the weird floaty breathing panic-things that have been happening,
is that how can it feel like everything is going really fast,
yet instead of a fast heartrate it’s a slow one?

and so i check my pulse
and it’s low
and then i worry until it speeds up
and then i settle
and then i check my pulse
and it’s low again
and so i worry and check until it speeds up
and then i settle

(until the next anxiety-thing)

the panic-boats arrive in my sleep
slow, like an oil-puddle thick-drip soupcake
hovering out of the bodymask,
hovering still in it
air-discs slow-swirling, tight-loose pulling

the panic-boats arrive in my sleep
to warn of unsafety in dreams
perhaps they remind me to breathe
but in sleeping or waking,
there’s is no escaping –
they never allow me to leave.